Q: My toddler cries if I leave him in the nursery at church. Should I insist he stays or keep him with me?

I do not ever want church to be something my little child is upset about. Our current church does have a nursery, but we spent 10 years in a family-integrated church, where the whole family worshipped together every Sunday. That was a wonderful experience for us, and the children learned to worship with the adults.

Our current church has multiple children's programs available, but they also respect letting families do what works best for them (even if that changes from one week to the next), and at least once a month, the children stay in the service (though nursery and toddler classes are still available for the littlest ones).

Some of my babies and toddlers have not wanted to be in the nursery, and we don't force it on them. Our 2-year-old (current youngest, and #15) is usually perfectly happy to be dropped off in the nursery and has been fine with this for a long time, but this is fairly unusual for littles that age. God has designed small children to be bonded tightly to their families, and especially their mothers, for their own safety. I don't believe it is His intention that we leave them screaming with people they are uncomfortable with in the name of "learning about God" either for themselves or for us.

It's absolutely true that we may not get as much out of the service when we are managing littles, especially if our husbands can't help (perhaps they are part of the ministry team or unavailable for whatever reason) or don't have older kids to help, but there is so much more to "being in church" than just the sermon or children's lessons, or what have you. By helping our littles from their earliest, subconscious, pre-verbal memories feel that church is a place they are comfortable rather than a place of fear, dread, and separation from those they love most, we are winning the bigger battle.

I definitely remember the challenges of managing lots of littles in the adult service in multiple churches through the years--some were more welcoming of it than others, over the past 25 years or so that I've been doing this!--so I deeply resonate with your question. I used to have "church bags" (little canvas totes or backpacks) with quiet activities, Christian coloring books, etc that were reverent and only used at church. If my toddler got too noisy, my husband or I would step out with him/her and either walk with them at the back of the service (if that is appropriate in the layout of your space there), or go to the nursery or whatever we had to do, but we would stay with our child (or children, if I had more than one little I was managing on my own) and just make the best of it. Sometimes, I would end up having beautiful, God-ordained conversations with other moms in the nursery or hallway during those times, which I'm sure were every bit as important in the eternal scheme of things than the sermon probably was.

Is there a mature teenage girl or young lady or Titus 2 older lady who could give you an extra hand? Sometimes that is a great help, too, especially if you have several littles close together, and they are usually just as happy to help you as you are relieved to have the help.

Our Lord rebuked those who were bothered by the little children coming to be near Him along with the adults. His heart is for them to come to Him and be received with joy by His people. That does not mean they can be rowdy and disruptive without intervention or correction, but we as adult Christians are not to despise them and their natural, young-child needs. Those who will give you grief about "he's too attached to you" because he feels insecure with strangers are foolish. I was considerate of my children's attachment needs when they were little, and all of them are now very secure and sociable as older kids, teens, and young adults (our current age range is 25 down to 2 years with a newborn expected soon).

People comment all the time on how friendly and outgoing all of our kids are, and they socialize just fine with their peers, but they also have their own firm beliefs and opinions which they are not hesitant to share (for better or for worse!). "Socialization" for toddlers is highly overrated. They need to learn primarily from Christian adults and older siblings (once your family grows!) who love them, not rooms full of other little people as immature as themselves. That doesn't mean they should never have opportunities to play with other kids--of course they should--but you don't need to stress about it or push him into it when he doesn't feel safe in the situation.

Ultimately, ask the Lord what He would have you do, but I think your heart is already telling you. So often, our fear of others' opinions of our parenting decisions pushes us into doing things we really don't feel comfortable doing, especially in the early years, but I would encourage you to stand strong in what you believe is right for your family. No one else is ultimately responsible for your child besides you and your husband, and often the root of someone trying to make you feel guilty for a different choice has more to do with their own insecurity about their decisions (or a general desire to control others)--even if they have no idea that's at the root of what they're saying to you--than it has to do with you and your family at all. God bless you as you seek Him!