Q: I'm struggling with my kids being dishonest and not following our family's rules.

Oh, that is hard and heartbreaking (and frustrating!) to work through. It sounds like you're on the right track. Here are a few more thoughts that might give you some ideas.

1. Is it all of your kids, or just a certain one or two (obviously not the baby, lol)? The age of the child is significant in how to proceed.

2. What other activities or influences are your kids involved with? That can have a profound effect either positively or negatively.

3. As important as it is to follow the rules established for the home (and are there particular ones that are especially a struggle?), the dishonesty issue is even bigger (you are probably already thinking this!)--especially as our kids move into their teens, trust is so important. I would rather deal with blatant differences of opinion or behavior issues (as much as I don't like those) than sneakiness and lying. So, even beyond the consequences--which do need to happen--you might make some serious progress by having a conversation one-on-one (or you, your husband, and whichever child) during a NON-CONFLICT time...even with snacks or something can really help bring their guard down so you can dig deep and TALK together...about WHY they are not being honest with you and how important it is for you to have a relationship based on mutual trust. Work on building relationship as much as possible in non-conflict times and working to rebuild trust.

If it's a younger child, especially, it can be very helpful when you catch them lying to walk them through HOW to respond to a difficult situation truthfully. Our DEFAULT as sinful humans is to lie and shift blame when we get "caught" (see: Adam & Eve in the Garden!), so it shouldn't surprise us (though it DOES disappoint, sadden, and anger us!) when our kids respond this way. That's not an excuse, but just identifying the natural starting point we ALL have.

So, for example, a 6-year-old didn't put their clean laundry away but said they did (I'm just totally making up something...bear with me) b/c they're afraid they'll get in trouble for not doing their chores, or b/c they are in a hurry to go play outside, etc. They need to go back and do whatever they were told in the first place, plus have a consequence for lying, but I would ALSO do some roleplay: "Let's practice how you should have done this. First, what should you have done to have NO trouble at all and be told 'good job!' instead of us having an issue here?" {should have done the job quickly with a good attitude, etc} "Good. Now, it's not ok that you didn't do your job--that was irresponsible, and you know I'm going to call you back and have you do it anyway, and we'll need to deal with disobeying and all that. BUT when you LIED about it, you made a bad situation even worse. We all make mistakes--I do too--but dishonesty just adds another layer of problems and conflict. When we make mistakes or do the wrong thing, we have to be honest about it and try to make it right. So, when I asked you about not putting away your laundry, what should you have told me?" {that I didn't do it, and I should have, and I'm sorry, and I'll go do that right now} If they can't give you an answer pretty close to that, then script it for them and have them say it back.

This is much more effective with a younger kid than a teen, but really--younger kids easily lie without even realizing they did it, and they literally need to be taught HOW TO TELL THE TRUTH when they're caught. The more cooperative my kiddo is with this process, the less consequences we'll need to have.

A HUGE lesson I've learned through the years (and will eventually write a whole thing about!) is becoming more discerning about when our kids need CORRECTION (i.e. consequences) and when they just need INSTRUCTION (i.e. they really don't understand what's expected and why it matters to themselves and those around them). Little kids don't need to understand why (they won't get it even if you explain), but older kids and teens DEFINITELY need to internalize the relevance of what we teach and expect or they'll often ditch it for society's flashy objects or just what's "easier" later on.

4. Regarding rules: step one is for you and your husband to really discuss together what your main expectations are for your family (think high-level principles) and then what specific ways you want that to play out in your home. If the two of you aren't on the same page and working together to make your home run in that direction, the kids will understandably think those rules are optional. Try not to overdo it with rules (though they are necessary!), but be consistent and matter-of-fact about the ones you choose to have: every parent and every family has things they just absolutely will require (or absolutely forbid) without negotiation, and THOSE things do tend to stick eventually.

Unfortunately, we also have to accept the fact that rules and expectations WILL need to be repeated and enforced literally tens of thousands of times over the years--with a family as big as mine, there are certain expectations I have stated and reinforced probably HUNDREDS of thousands of times in the past 25 years: multiple times a day with alllll my kids for YEARS. BUT eventually they either "got it" and internalized it for themselves (and now help teach and reinforce it with the younger kids!) OR it turned out to be more of a preference we expected for our home (which is legitimate to have, especially when you're keeping order with lots of little people under your roof!) that really weren't life-and-death anyway, and it's actually legitimate for young adults (and sometimes teens, depending on the issue) to do things a different way as long as it's not disruptive to the rest of the family or seriously objectionable in some other way.

BUT ideally you want to be able to navigate those issues without conflict. We don't have to pick every battle or die on every hill as parents, and the older our kids get, the more important it is to COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!! Our rules and expectations are definitely important, but our kids will live the majority of their lives setting their own rules based on their internalized BELIEFS, so we have to eventually make the transition from telling our little ones what to do, to telling middlers what to do AND WHY, to working through with our teens and young adults the WHY (from Scripture and our life experience) and helping them think through FOR THEMSELVES how they will apply TRUTH in their own lives, ultimately becoming a resource they CHOOSE to come tap into because they trust us and value the relationship we've built together over the years.

BEST NEWS: you do not have to be a "perfect parent" to get to that point with your young adult kids (huge relief for me!!!). Admit when you're wrong. Be honest about your own struggles. Talk together. A lot. Listen. Encourage. As your kids mature, they will begin to understand more deeply that THEY are sinners too as well as begin to grasp the many challenges you were facing in your own life as you tried to parent them the best you could while trying to figure it all out yourself but that your heart toward them was good. They'll start to see what you did right as well as recognize where you struggled.

Let me say that last part again about ENCOURAGING. This is SO important! When you're dealing with a challenge, especially over a long period of time, watch RELENTLESSLY for progress in the area you're working with (and any other area!) and make clear that you noticed. Do this with sincerity, and not in a flattering or "syrupy" way. "Hey, I know we had an issue about you not putting your laundry away like you were supposed to, but you told me the truth about it this time and then went right back and fixed it. You know we've been having some trouble with that lately, and you handled that much better this time, and I want you to know I noticed and I'm really proud of you. It's hard to tell the truth when we haven't done the right thing. You're really growing and maturing, and that's really great to see."

Or, it could be something else totally unrelated! "I saw how you were patient with your brother when he was bugging you to read him a story and you wanted to keep reading your own book, but you took the time to make him happy. That was great." You could perhaps tie it into a Biblical truth or talk more about it--read the situation--but the POINT is, we need to be just as focused on looking for what our kids are doing well and where they ARE growing as we are on seeing what we still need to help them do better. BUILD RELATIONSHIP!

And pray. ALWAYS pray. The Lord loves your kids even more than you do, and HIS plans for them are even better than yours. Only He can save them, and while we do have a big role and responsibility in that, their salvation is ultimately not something we can or must ensure. This is very FREEING when we really grasp it!